Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Letter to the Editor

            Okay. So, I was thinking of submitting a query letter to a humorous publication, and wanted to see what the reaction would be from the general public that is hanging on my every word, awaiting every moment with bated breath. So, let me know what you guys think:

            To Whom It May Concern:
My writings have strongly affected tens of people across two different continents, although this might be a bit of an embellishment, a stretch of the truth in order to preserve my advanced and strongly entrenched delusions of grandeur. Mostly, my writings have provoked resoundingly strong and critical indifference in the reader. I choose to look the other way and to pretend that they have been profoundly affected by my empty words, much as many a reader chooses to look the other way when I offer to share my writings.
            Allow me to share with you some quotes from people unqualified to give true reviews for writings:
            “You seem to beat around the bush a lot. You never get to the point. I mean, what are you trying to say, anyway? You seem to repeat yourself, and belabor the point. To put it another way, you say the exact same thing, and just find multiple ways in which to say it.”
            Here’s another one, from my friend Doug:
            “Having known you for years, I had low expectations, and you gave me every reason to confirm my fairly low opinion of you and your capabilities. But that said, this wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.”
            Well, what do you say when you get such a resounding show of support from a true friend? I very nearly choked up, but managed to wipe away the teardrop rolling down my cheek before he noticed (although he seemed to make a point of quickly turning away and coughing, as if embarrassed, but that surely was not related).
            Or how about this gem, from my girlfriend:
            “Hey, I don’t know exactly how to tell you this, but you really might want to pursue a different career path.”
            You see? She was so impressed that she was urging me to quit my job and write full-time. Needless to say, I heeded her advice and promptly quit my career path at the local Mickey D’s, burning my bridges by writing them a nasty, vaguely threatening letter, during which I foamed at the mouth and seemed to rant and rave incomprehensible gibberish, something I usually do not care to admit to people. It just seemed prudent, since you will surely hire me full-time very soon, to let you know what you are in for. That is just how I operate, baby!
Needless to say, my girlfriend burst into tears, so moved she had to excuse herself and go to the bathroom. It did not end there, because she came up with a quick excuse to leave and go to her place. So overwhelmed was she that she still has not so much as said a word to me since that fateful day! I simply can’t wait to hear what she will finally tell me after all of the time that has elapsed. Even my parents have pitched in with helpful insights regarding a recent writing that I presented them with:
            “I can’t believe you! All those years in college, and just look at you! Those endless hours with you sacrificing your time, avoiding the possibility of a rich social life or career advancement, and this is he best you come up with? Maybe it’s time you spent your time more wisely, son. Would you mind giving us a bit of time to digest this? ”
            So I do not want to boast, but I think it can safely be said, and upon good authority at that, that my candidacy to write for your publication (the name of which I have forgotten, but I’m terrible with names, as you’ll surely come to find) is a strong one.  So, it is now 4:38 in the morning as I write this, (just so you know my level of commitment, as well as how I spend my time and the hours that I keep) and I feel that the and it’s time to rest the case that I have made for myself. So the jury is out. Please let me know what your decision is, and feel free to contact me at: I appreciate the opportunity and, of course, expect suitable arrangements to be made for a very handsome salary, much of which is to be paid upfront to me. My bank account and routing number will be provided for you to forward some impressive assets (I find myself in desperate need of money the last, oh, few years or so), and I will look forward to receiving the same from you promptly. Or whenever you get around to it. Unless you don’t feel like it. I’ll understand.