Childhood Seen Through the Eyes of an Adult

There are times when it feels like you are all alone, and the problems and frustrations that life has to offer seem to be lining up, waiting patiently to take their best sot at you. Times when it seems that the world is almost ganging up around you, trying to hurt you.

Indeed, there seems to be some truth to that. As the saying goes, this is a dog eat dog world. You find some astonishingly petty people at times. People that will try to make a point to go out of their way to disrupt your life.

I have a little son. Six years old. I watch him, look in his eyes. He is usually just a happy boy. When he is displeased, it is pretty transparent. When he's upset or in pain, there are tears. But usually, there is happiness in those eyes, and often, there is that trademark, little boy mischief kind of look in his eyes. He has boundless energy, so much that you wonder where it all comes from. That last sentence makes me feel old, because it is precisely what adults used to say about me when younger. But the truth is, it really is curious, how such a little body that seemingly does not eat right still nonetheless has so much energy, and manages to grow as big and as strong as it has thus far.

Even more remarkable, perhaps, is just how easy happiness comes to him. It does not take much to make the boy happy. If I try to do something funny, something goofy, he gets this kind of a smile, like he understands that this is a light moment designed for his entertainment. Suddenly, he has a play buddy, and it seems like nothing makes him happier. He goes with it, and completely submerges himself in the moment.

That is, of course, what little kids do. They live in the moment. I try to do that, but it does not work so easily these days. I remember doing it all the time when younger, but alas, I am a grown man nowadays. I know a bit more about the world, about other people. I know about responsibilities, about how much I am valued. You get phone calls, and it's someone trying to solicit money from you. You get mail, and it's either bills (which is to say, people demanding money from you), or junk mail, with people trying to solicit something from you - mostly money. You work hard, you work long hours. You learn exhaustion, and you learn, inevitably, to be on your guard against people, because they have their own agenda.

No wonder adults grow more cynical with age.

When you are a child, you are able to lose yourself. You can afford to, and it's the only time in your life that you can do so. You instinctively trust the adults in your life (in normal cases, anyway). They will never hurt you, they will protect you. You are small, and you are growing. But you are exploring, curious about the world. Everything is a source of endless fascination. The world is a wonder, and so you ask questions, and take a closer look. Your enthusiasm for this world just seems boundless.

Of course, you can afford to, because adults are taking care of you. Behind the scenes, without you quite realizing it, they are doing the things that they need to, putting things in place to help allow you to succeed in life. They know things that you do not know, and that is what they are trying to protect you against.

When you are a kid, you may even be resentful of this. You know that you are small, and that you have not gained that precious status in the world. A big deal is made when you get a piece of mail, like a relative sending you a birthday or holiday card. Much is made when someone wants to talk to you on the phone. You know it's going to be someone friendly. You might not like the person as much as you should, but it is nice, nonetheless. Nice to know that people are happy to see you, to hear from you.

Again, it is the only time, seemingly, that this happens in life. At least, without specific qualifications, in any case.

There is a mysterious quality to adulthood as seen from the eyes of a child. Children see what they want to see, and they easily dismiss what they don't understand. When I was a child, my views were probably rather typical. Adults were bigger, stronger. More independent. Adults were infinitely more complicated, more experienced. They seemed to know things, to have this deep well of knowledge, from which I was excluded.

The worst thing would be when they would tell me not to grow up too quickly, to enjoy childhood while it lasts, because once it's gone, it's gone. But I only knew what it was like to be small, to be insignificant. To be little, to be overlooked. I only knew what it was like to be a child, you see. I was too young to appreciate it. Most of us are, I think. All I saw were the positives of adulthood. Being smarter, being stronger. Having more freedom. I could stay up all hours if I wanted to, I could go out and stay out all hours. If I felt like going to the store and picking something up at three in the morning, I could do that, too. I could watch any movie or television program that I wanted. Buy any album or book, or whatever. When I got big, I was going to be free, and important.

Yet, when you are an adult, you generally speaking learn the meaning of cynicism. It might not happen right away, and in fact, more often than not, it does not. Because there are different times and levels of adulthood, as well. When you first enter adulthood, and begin to work, or go to school, people tend to still cut you some breaks. Expectations are not too high yet, and that means, also, the pressures have not mounted too much, as of yet. Plus, you probably still have retained that youthful energy, as well as the looks, that separate you from other adults. You are at the peak of your life, if you will. Young enough to enjoy life freely, but old enough to be big and important - or at least to get a taste of it. This is the romantic period, and you are exploring the other sex (or perhaps, the same sex). One way or the other, you feel good about life still, and with good reason.

But that begins to whither away, as well. Slowly but surely, you watch yourself deteriorate every time you look in the mirror. You feel your energy being sapped more and more, and sometimes, it is truly astonishing how tired you get, and how quickly you get there. Life starts to be less fun, and in fact, the world seems to have a mean streak. Your eyes are opening, but you just want to close them again. As they popular, perhaps emerging, saying goes, "Shit just got real". Now, you know why those adults in your past were warning you not to grow up too quickly, but of course it's too late. And really, why wouldn't it be? When you are a kid, times moves so slowly, that the very notion of becoming an adult seems like a myth. A farce, even. It does not seem real. On some level, you know it is not, and that the law of averages necessitates that, at some point, your time will come. You, too, will be an adult, eventually, against all probability. It seems so attractive at the time, doesn't it? How are you to know it's a trap, a one-way street towards a dead end?

I think it helps to keep you fresh, to keep you anchored, for that matter, when you have a kid. You see the child going through all of those things that you yourself went through. In a strange way, you get to experience childhood all over again - but this time, from the outside. Now, you are the one the child trusts without reservation, and knows that you will protect him or her. They trust you to help set up a brighter future, even to push them into it if and when reluctant. That's part of parenting, too. It is not just about walking with a baby stroller early on, and getting all sorts of attention among admirers of babies. Kids grow up, and adults begin to notice them a little less. They are still noticed, and people still indulge them. But a little less. That's the beginning of growing up, of course. It's the start of it, and of course, you wear it like a badge of honor. it's a sign that you are growing up, growing bigger, more important. A sign that you are no longer a baby, or a tiny and relatively helpless child.

You watch all of this, and you know, because indeed, you have been through all of this already. Watching a child grow up can be like a play. Parts of it make you smile, and you feel what the actor is going through. it hurts to watch the child in pain, learning some cruel reality about the world that will likely never be unlearned.  Each new painful revelation brings them that much closer to adulthood.

One thing that you eventually will run into, of course, consists of a lesson. You learn just how petty some adults can be, how entirely untrustworthy. How conniving, scheming. How petty. How childish. You may encounter this early on, or maybe you may not. Maybe, you just were not paying attention yet. But eventually, you will encounter it, and when you do, it will merely serve to take away more of your energy, to eat away at your rapidly diminishing faith in the world. Here are overgrown children, who never apparently matured enough in this world to realize that the world does not revolve around them. They imagine the world to be a certain way, and imagine themselves to be entitled to something that, they believe, will make them happy. They lack the maturity to understand any better, or perhaps they lack the will or resolve to do that last bit of growing up required to actually be adults about things. They can be dangerous, because they so easily and lightly aim to do things that disrupt the lives of others. It's enough to make you reluctant to get out of bed in the morning.

But then you look into the eyes of a child, perhaps even look at the child's closed eyes during a peaceful night's sleep, and hopefully, your faith is restored. You remember being that age, and you remember that adults back at that time did what you are doing now. That you are, in many respects, paying for it, if you will. It's cruel, on some levels, that you enter this world, without asking for it to your knowledge, and right way, you owe people, without quite realizing it. But that appears to be how it works, generation after generation. You do what you have to do. Enjoy childhood while it lasts, and then help someone else enjoy their childhood, while you work to protect, to safeguard that childhood. You know the conclusion will be sad on some levels. You are proud of them, and feel vindication when they show signs of growing up. You perhaps rightly feel entitled to some of the credit, as well, so it might make you happy. Yet, still, there is an aspect of sadness to it, because you know what growing up can mean. Will mean.

But you do what you have to do, and make sure that child does the same.

Yes, life may seem cruel at times. Heartless, even. Having a child can help keep you centered, and with a sense of purpose that, once that child is in your life, you cannot possibly imagine doing without anymore. it is the end of the carefree days, and yet, in another sense, it is just the beginning. They say life is cyclical, and maybe they were right, hmm?

So, although life can be tough, and make you feel deflated and defeated and unfit to the challenge, you sometimes just need to take a look into a child's eye, and it feels like you are inhaling, taking a deep breath, and remembering what is truly important in this world. Perhaps, in the process, you can find some contentment in reliving a previously long lost childhood that you can remember in your own right. If you're really lucky, maybe you can outright lose yourself like a child, like you used to do. Of course, it comes much more naturally to the child, because we as adults have unlearned this skill of completely immersing yourself in the moment, living in the moment. Go to the spirituality section of your local bookstore or library, or go to the self-help section, and you will find no shortage of books  urging you to do exactly that, to live for the moment. But out modern adult lives demand of us nothing less than to forget how to do that, so it is not easy to relearn what you once thoroughly forgot. What you were urged to forget.

To my knowledge, having a child, or being around children, is far and away the best way to remember that, and to find the most meaning and joy in this cruel and harsh world of adult realities and adult responsibilities. It might be scary, and you may get your heart broken in varying degrees, from time to time. But there is no better way that I am aware of to achieving happiness than to try and allow a child to enjoy childhood, while also doing what you can to pave the way towards a bright future, hopefully. There are certainly worse things that you can do with your life.