Trump Retreats From Iran, Admits That War Was "Just a Really Bad Idea"

On Tuesday, President Trump admitted that the current conflict with Iran was not going according to plan.

"Earlier, I had declared victory in the war," the president said.

"Apparently, the Iranians themselves never got that memo. They keep attacking neighboring countries. And it's making us look bad."

As a result, Trump has decided to withdraw from Iran. 

"With no clear strategy, with no obvious objectives, it was the only sensible thing that the administration could do," conceded Steve Bannon, as Stephen Miller nodded in agreement. 

"Let's be reasonable. Nobody thinks that getting involved in another forever war in the Middle East is actually good for this country, or for the world," Trump stated. "This stupid war, which I frankly never should have started...it was just a really bad idea."

The president continued, "I mean, I don't know...I'm just sick of all of the attention being on the Epstein Files. I mean, the one time that I don't want my name in headlines or associated with a story, and it's the one story that people cannot seem to get enough of. So I started this war with Iran...but man, that turned out to be a fiasco, didn't it?

He then reflect on his own presidency.

"It's obvious that I'm not getting into heaven, and it's also clear that I will be viewed as a very bad president. Terrible! The worst!"

When asked to expand, Trump hesitated, then explained his thought process:

"Look, I promised the world, promised everything. Over and over again, these campaign promises which were simply too good to be true. And everyone should have known that they were too good to be true, that I couldn't possibly deliver on them. 

"I mean, come on. did you really believe that I could build the wall and get Mexico to pay for it? Or that I would pay the debt off in eight years? Or end the years long war in Ukraine in just a day? Or lower the price of gas and groceries?"

"Spoiler alert: the answer was no. Is no. Forever will be no."

He looked out the window of the Oval Office, then laughed.

"Fucking morons," he mutters, shaking his head, "What a bunch of losers."

"Come on. Once a scam artist, always a scam artist. Geez, I thought people would have figured that out. Frankly, I'm surprised people voted me into office in the first place. But ten years of pulling the wool over people's eyes? That surprised even me. I know people can often be stupid, but I mean, come on! How much more proof do they need that I'm nothing but a con artist?"

"At least I was the best in something, though, right?"

"But," he continued, "there's got to be limits, right? So this is it. We took over Venezuela, and launched an attack on Iran. But the war is going badly, and I'm getting out before people figure out that I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. Before people figure out just how unqualified I am to be president."

This has been an April Fool's Exclusive.