Okay, let me just say this outright, first thing, so as to get it out of the way: I am by no means proclaiming to be an expert on relationships, or any such thing. Yet, I will write now abut relationships, and seems to really make them work, based on my own, limited experience. I have been in some, and no, they have not all worked out for the best. Most notably under my belt are a failed marriage and, since then, two relationships that ended with heartbreak - once hers, once mine.
So, why should you listen? Who does this guy think he is, anyway? He's already saying that he does not definitively know the answers. Plus, he also has admitted to having limited experiences with relationships, and that he has not always had the best relationships, to boot. What could he possibly have to say about the subject, anyway?
Well, any such skepticism is not without validity. Also, I am a big believer in asking questions of everyone and everything. By all means, question what I say or claim here.
That said, however, I will discuss the issue based on the strength of my own experiences and convictions, because there is a thing or two about the subject that have penetrated this skull of mine over the decades, particularly over the last years. And yes, the failures have taught me at least as much, if not more than, the successes have. Such is life in general, no?
The main thing that I have learned is this: while passion is great, and often times what might get something sparked between two people, you really have to be friends on a real level, in order to make the thing work.
It's true. We all want some passion, some heat. But that will not get you through the inevitable hard times that all relationships (or all real relationships that I know of) will go through. Ultimately, you have to respect one another, and be on each other's side, in order to make it. Like with everything else in life, it also does not hurt to have a sense of humor and an ability to escape life's problems and have a little fun, in order to forget about things and leave the problems behind, at least for a little while.
Many relationships that I have seen (and I'm sure that you have seen them, too) where the two parties becomes a source of stress to one another. They might not consciously be aware of it, let alone outright admit to it, but they will go after one another after a stressful day. They use each other as an outlet to vent out their frustrations and pain in life, and thus, they themselves become part of the problem for the other partner.
Personally, I believe that being in a relationship should bring out the best in one another. You should be a source of comfort to each other. If you've had a hard day, then coming home to your partner should be a source of comfort, something that you look forward to. If you can look forward to being able to let down your defenses and let someone who knows you better than anyone else in, to talk openly and honestly about things, about life, about disappointments, then that is probably the biggest privilege in your life. Being able to talk with a friend, ultimately, will prove priceless. That's what friends do, and in the ideal relationship (at least, the most ideal one that I can imagine), then that will get you through the hard times, whether they be personal problems or tragedies, health issues, money issues, or issues with the stress and mundane quality of everyday life. Having someone there that is, truly, your best friend, will be priceless in helping you to get through the toughest times.
All of that might sound obvious, but a lot of people seem to lose sight of that. Relationships often are a lot more fragile than most of us want to even think about. Sometimes, one wrong word, at least placed at the wrong time, could really, really be damaging. Sometimes, it could even be the end. Even if it's not, the memory will live on. Perhaps both parties will say that it won't, will try to forget it. But actions can wound, and words provide the narration that we remember best. I'll even admit to being an example: I can't remember all of the times that I have been told nice and flattering words. But I remember most of the harsher ones, most of the ones that cut me, perhaps even wounded me (even if I did a good job at hiding it).
My marriage ended because there was a gap in communication, and because it seemed we were not on one another's side anymore. I guess we both were guilty of that.
The first relationship that I had after that marriage ended was good, and lasted almost two years. There were hard times, and right or wrong, it was my distinct impression that we were not helping each other through, that we were, in fact, using each other as figurative punching bags. There were times when we would not even say hello before we would be engaged in some kind of an argument. That just is not healthy.
The second relationship that I was in also had a problem in communication. More of a breakdown, really. Ultimately, we both expressed (at different times) strong feelings for one another. But when actions seem to contradict nice words, words can be rendered meaningless, and such was the case here. Perhaps that brings me to another important point about words: that they need to be sincere. Anyone can say nice things. It's quite another to say them, mean them, and follow through with them. Once the words seemed to matter little, if at all, I knew that relationship was truly part of the past, although I had spent more than a year trying to patch things up. I almost wonder if the proper word to use regarding that year was "wasted" on trying to revive something that was long dead.
Yes, I have experienced failure in my life. More than I care to admit, in fact. Certainly, that includes some relationships, as well. No use denying that.
However, I am once again in a serious relationship now, and think that what I have learned from past relationships has been put to good use. Times have not always been good, and we have had some fights, and some tears. But we seem to be doing better than ever at the moment, and she seems to think that I have this endless well of patience (I assure you that this most assuredly is not the case).
But if there is improvement in my own approach that has contributed to more success now, it is because of this: I have learned from my past mistakes, and care enough about it to try and make it work. There have been lessons that I have learned from my experiences, including relationships. To incorporate that after dusting yourself off and trying again is what improvements and evolving is all about. There have been mistakes that I've made, and no shortage of pain, of heartbreak. Yet, I think I'm happier now than perhaps I have ever been before in a relationship, and that is because I truly believe that, first and foremost, she and I have to be friends, to be that source of comfort that was mentioned earlier, in order to help one another get by the inevitable tough times.
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