Donald Trump Finally Admits That He "Took Things A Little Too Far" & Promises To Retire Quietly, With Grace and Dignity

 

In rather shocking breaking news, former President Donald Trump has admitted that his administration was polarizing and mistake prone, and likely did more harm than good to the country.

"Sometimes you say things...and you know, everybody says things from time to time...but they don't mean to say things. But I said things, and well, what can you do? Do I regret them? 

"But you have to admit that I said more things than most people. Nobody said as much as I did. There were a whole bunch of things that I said, even before the presidency. And some people were upset by them. But you know, you can't make everybody happy, right? 

"I'd like to knock those people across the head. Somebody, please, go ahead and knock those people across the head, will ya? I'll take care of the legal fees, don't you worry. Just please, sent them to the hospital for me, okay?"

Trump changed his tune after this small outburst and return to character, and then shocked many people by elaborating on himself, his presidency, and his legacy, deciding to take an uncharacteristically reflective and fair approach towards himself and his conduct during his White House years:

"Oh, and by the way, nobody unified the country like me. My IQ is...well, let's just say that I meant it when I said that I was a very stable genius. And I'll say it again, I'm a very stable genius. There, I said it. I'm not afraid to say things like that, because you can't be afraid in life. 

"However, I will also say that it seems that I rubbed some people - okay, many people - the wrong way during my presidency. Did I lose to Joe Biden in this past election? The fake media says so, but I have people telling me all of the time that, in fact, I won. There is a mountain of evidence to prove it, and it's only because the media is so biased that I was not given the second term that I actually won. And the courts were obviously biased against me too, even though I appointed most of the judges that tried my case. 

"That said, I guess some people were a little pissed off.....well, they were unhappy, okay? What're you gonna do? And I guess that some people were not my fans. So they have what they want, with Joe Biden in there, and what a disaster this guy will be. But now that I'm out of the White House, I'm actually glad, you know? It leaves me more time for the important things, like focusing on myself, and improving my golf game. Did I allow all of the responsibilities of the White House to get in the way of me enjoying some rounds of golf? No, but I now have more time than ever to focus on that, and on myself. So, I'm done with politics."

Asked if there were any other things that he would like to pursue, Trump said yes, and then elaborated:

"I have been writing a book of poetry. Now, I don't want to say anything, because there are other poets out there, and they are great, right? But nobody writes poetry like Donald Trump, okay? It's tremendous, and I definitely should win the Nobel Peace Prize for Poetry, unless the fake news conspires to prevent me from winning it. Nobody writes...let me tell you, I write the best poetry. I have the best words. Nobody can write poetry as like me, believe me."

Interestingly, Trump also said that he had taken an interest in eastern religions and philosophy, and was going to take up transcendental meditation:

"A lot of people told me that meditation would be hard. But you know what? I did it, and it was easy. I mean, I did it on my first attempt. They told me to clear my mind, to think about nothing and make myself a hollow vessel, and that came completely naturally to me. My mind was empty even before they told me to empty it. And they also told me to look beyond myself, and that I needed to go beyond my ego. And I did that too, okay? I did it, and it was easy for me. First try. Some of these other people, they told me it took years to get past ego. But I did it on my very first attempt, and almost right away. That's because I can do that, being a very stable genius. I know more about transcending egos than all of the experts, like the Dalai Lama, or the Buddha, believe me. Nobody transcends egos like I do, let me tell you. I transcend egos better than anybody else."

Trump later tweeted his surprise that people in cities around the world began to take to the streets in celebration of this announcement that he was permanently leaving politics. He referred to them as "enemies of the people" who were pushing the fake news narrative that he was a terrible person. 

Apparently angered by all of this, Trump later came out of his very brief retirement from politics. He later tweeted that he will not retire quietly or with dignity after all and, in fact, all of those people, "every single one of them" in his own words, would be locked up when, not if, he reaches the Oval Office again.