Donald Trump Pleads Guilty

  

In rather shocking breaking news, former President Donald Trump has admitted that all of the allegations against him are true.

"Believe me, in the past, I kept telling you that this was nothing more than a political witch hunt....the likes of which, our country has never seen. I kept saying that it was an attack on our country, and an attempt by the liberal elite fake news establishment. And I was right."

Then in a stunning reversal, Trump went on to admit that some of the allegations against him are true:

"Now, this may come as a shock to you, but I guess I can say...well, that all of that was an exaggeration. Yeah, I exaggerated just a little bit. But let me tell you that nobody exaggerates as well as I do. Believe me, nobody...let me tell you something, it takes a real genius to exaggerate anywhere near as much as I do. The way that I exaggerate, it's tremendous.

"No, but seriously folks, I did it. Not all of it, no. And this is a political witch hunt, like I said. But also, I have to admit, that some of it was true. Like the allegations that I paid off a porn star and then lied about it. Yeah, that was true. Also, the business malpractice stuff. And down in Georgia, they're also trying....well, there is a political witch hunt against me the likes of which we've never seen before. Believe me, this makes the Salem Witch Trials look like a bedtime story. This country is now falling, becoming a third world country, if we let this happen. And I'm the only one who can save this country. You know that. Everybody knows that.

"Now, I will admit that some of that was true, too. Yes, I may have put pressure on some election officials to "find" thousands of votes well after the election was over, okay? But you know what? I should have been made president for life. Remember that? It was a tremendous idea. And even if I said I was joking, I wasn't really joking, okay? I was testing the waters, seeing how people would react. And you, my most loyal supporters, loved the idea. And I love you for it. Believe me, nobody loves you more than Donald Trump loves you.

"But yeah, I was basically lying."

Trump later tweeted his surprise and annoyance that people in cities around the world appeared to be celebrating the historical milestone of his becoming the first president ever to have criminal charges laid against him. Trump always bragged that he would make history. Indeed, he now owns the distinction as the first and only president to have been both impeached and indicted. Certainly, that does set him apart, historically speaking. 

What a man!